Ramblings of a drunk night

Saturday at the artichoke festival. WAS it festive? The country band playing is well known , and in a venue that can hold hundreds, maybe 40 people stood about. One man used the country vibe as a way to be openly silly, grabby…trying to get girls to dance with him. Was it his grey hair or red cheeks that turned the young girls smiles into frowns?

Unknown red wine washed down fried artichoke hearts. Made my heart smile. Later, my head would burst at the sounds of morning. Not one to drink in public I regretted the swishing of fruity zap on my tongue. This guilt wouldnt stop me from  making the same mistake later on that very night.

So, we took our party to Baja Cantina & Grill where live reggae band was playing. My favorite genre of music left me uninhibited- so I had another wine. twenty-three and yet to have ordered an actual drink from a bar. So with confidence in my blood I boldy brazened up to the bar. Seems the bartender favored me to my company, filling only my glass to the brim.

And the four glasses to come would all be just as full, spilling over as I walked back to my table. Looking back now- I wonder if how much I spilled was an indication of how many sheets to the wind I was becoming with every sip. In such a good and vibing environment noone seemed to notice, or didn’t care. Or maybe I couldnt see  they had noticed.

I was bound to be noticed eventually though- dancing to the music, letting free. Something that doesn’t come easily to me. I became spontaneous, getting every one round to join in on my new dance move, “Come on guys-wing it!”

I was happily surprised to see all but one person smile and go with it.

The night ended in tears and confusion. As I’m sure many drunk nights do. The intoxicating lure can pull you in where you don’t want to let go of letting go. Through the night my biggest memory is the look on that one persons face who didn’t join in on “winging it”. A look I can’t shake.

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Save you from yourself.

Go figure that clever you would catch on to clever me trying to pull a fast one on you.
Didn’t get it past you.
Only want what’s best for you….
Worried that your color blue,
May be found in a pill form too&
Sail out in the ocean blue
Of hypnotic.
I hear it.
I see it.
My gut can feel it.
But I don’t want to believe it.
Never thought I’d see the day…
You’d get lost after having found the way.
The key within yourself,
But those external take you down a different path.
Neverending is her majesty’s wrath,
That psychopath.
Don’t even let myself start with that.
Though it started with her.
Now she’s got your vision re-blurred.
Take in these words,
I know you see the hidden meaning,
and only you can make the choice.
I just had to be voiced,
I speak now and forever hold my peace
I know I tried for YOU.

Nightmares

I wake in the dark of my room, safe.
The flashbacks too real for me to catch my breath.
His hands covering my mouth, covering parts of me he shouldn’t touch.
Tears, screams…
A already bare childhood stolen completely.
And i never let on,
Like anythings wrong.
Remembering their cold stance to my black sheepness.
Bold enough to tell the truths that keep my nights sleepless.
I hate to even write it now
This part of me that wasn’t a choice and haunts me all the time.
He took what was mine
And any trust I had left in life.
Trust.
You must trust yourself to choose those who are trustworthy.
If only you could choose your family.
I laugh bitterly just so I don’t cry.

Too Far Off The Path To My Sanctuary

ive been lost trying to find

an old me that died.

mourned years now…

the grieving process never-ending.

i sit here, smiling, pretending.

i used to wipe my eyes,

but lately i can’t cry.

only every once upon a time,

do i remember that you never were mine.

happy endings i never believed.

why am i so suprised by the truth of things?

i cant remember the feeling of being hopeful for myself.

not sure where i should be heading,

going through these years down-looking….

fazed.

hazed.

and i had to get hazy just to write this.

what happened to the girl with stars in her eyes, and a glow in her heart?

sometimes im so filled with regret, i fall apart.

falling, but standing tall.

i have walls put up for it all,

my writer’s block because of it,

the need to not give a shit.

about him.

my Apollyon.

need to block the constant pain,

a hurt so bad, they should make a vaccine.

never was i angry, the destroyer made me mean.

never was i powerless, the destroyer has me at my knees.

never was i hateful, the destroyer makes me destroy.

i gave him my heart out of desperation for love, and was played like a toy.

and cast to the side time and time again.

still i denied the precision that, at some point, he would not pick me up anymore.

i would lie on the lowest cold floor.

not wanted, not needed….

unless lust  heeded, i remain unseen.

unheard, my screaming words.

stuck in a glass box, indestructible.

i laugh at that principle,

so untrue when im at hands of the destroyer.

scalled deeply.

his lies of needing,

his lies of feeling.

frozen hearts cannot feel.

it was never real.

i lost myself to the destroyer,

and until i lose him i will only wander farther and farther..

-Haley LaBossiere

currently listening to Jack’s Mannequin, Everything in Transit Album.

High Expectations- Forget Them Here, Please.

Breaking my mind open onto the “page” again. Not my first attempt to do so. Hopefully this one will stick. You might find this blog lacking in hope when you read my words, however I have used writing as an outlet of my negativity. I once wrote at least 5 poems a day from grades 5th thru 11th. Unfortunatley, I started to not allow myself to feel things, and it made it nearly impossible for me to use writing as an outlet. I need to find myself again, get back in touch with what I loved in myself. I have denied myself so much for so long. Let’s see what this may bring.

Leave expectations behind..