ive been lost trying to find
an old me that died.
mourned years now…
the grieving process never-ending.
i sit here, smiling, pretending.
i used to wipe my eyes,
but lately i can’t cry.
only every once upon a time,
do i remember that you never were mine.
happy endings i never believed.
why am i so suprised by the truth of things?
i cant remember the feeling of being hopeful for myself.
not sure where i should be heading,
going through these years down-looking….
and i had to get hazy just to write this.
what happened to the girl with stars in her eyes, and a glow in her heart?
sometimes im so filled with regret, i fall apart.
falling, but standing tall.
i have walls put up for it all,
my writer’s block because of it,
the need to not give a shit.
need to block the constant pain,
a hurt so bad, they should make a vaccine.
never was i angry, the destroyer made me mean.
never was i powerless, the destroyer has me at my knees.
never was i hateful, the destroyer makes me destroy.
i gave him my heart out of desperation for love, and was played like a toy.
and cast to the side time and time again.
still i denied the precision that, at some point, he would not pick me up anymore.
i would lie on the lowest cold floor.
not wanted, not needed….
unless lust heeded, i remain unseen.
unheard, my screaming words.
stuck in a glass box, indestructible.
i laugh at that principle,
so untrue when im at hands of the destroyer.
his lies of needing,
his lies of feeling.
frozen hearts cannot feel.
it was never real.
i lost myself to the destroyer,
and until i lose him i will only wander farther and farther..
currently listening to Jack’s Mannequin, Everything in Transit Album.