I wake in the dark of my room, safe.
The flashbacks too real for me to catch my breath.
His hands covering my mouth, covering parts of me he shouldn’t touch.
A already bare childhood stolen completely.
And i never let on,
Like anythings wrong.
Remembering their cold stance to my black sheepness.
Bold enough to tell the truths that keep my nights sleepless.
I hate to even write it now
This part of me that wasn’t a choice and haunts me all the time.
He took what was mine
And any trust I had left in life.
You must trust yourself to choose those who are trustworthy.
If only you could choose your family.
I laugh bitterly just so I don’t cry.
ive been lost trying to find
an old me that died.
mourned years now…
the grieving process never-ending.
i sit here, smiling, pretending.
i used to wipe my eyes,
but lately i can’t cry.
only every once upon a time,
do i remember that you never were mine.
happy endings i never believed.
why am i so suprised by the truth of things?
i cant remember the feeling of being hopeful for myself.
not sure where i should be heading,
going through these years down-looking….
and i had to get hazy just to write this.
what happened to the girl with stars in her eyes, and a glow in her heart?
sometimes im so filled with regret, i fall apart.
falling, but standing tall.
i have walls put up for it all,
my writer’s block because of it,
the need to not give a shit.
need to block the constant pain,
a hurt so bad, they should make a vaccine.
never was i angry, the destroyer made me mean.
never was i powerless, the destroyer has me at my knees.
never was i hateful, the destroyer makes me destroy.
i gave him my heart out of desperation for love, and was played like a toy.
and cast to the side time and time again.
still i denied the precision that, at some point, he would not pick me up anymore.
i would lie on the lowest cold floor.
not wanted, not needed….
unless lust heeded, i remain unseen.
unheard, my screaming words.
stuck in a glass box, indestructible.
i laugh at that principle,
so untrue when im at hands of the destroyer.
his lies of needing,
his lies of feeling.
frozen hearts cannot feel.
it was never real.
i lost myself to the destroyer,
and until i lose him i will only wander farther and farther..
currently listening to Jack’s Mannequin, Everything in Transit Album.
Breaking my mind open onto the “page” again. Not my first attempt to do so. Hopefully this one will stick. You might find this blog lacking in hope when you read my words, however I have used writing as an outlet of my negativity. I once wrote at least 5 poems a day from grades 5th thru 11th. Unfortunatley, I started to not allow myself to feel things, and it made it nearly impossible for me to use writing as an outlet. I need to find myself again, get back in touch with what I loved in myself. I have denied myself so much for so long. Let’s see what this may bring.
Leave expectations behind..